Abby and Eason,
In the last letter, I told you about some really raw emotions I expressed to God. I told you about not trusting Him and blaming Him for the situation I was facing.
I want to tell you where I am now. But, before I do, I want to acknowledge that it is almost like sharing two bookends. And, there are lots and lots of stories in the middle. I may write those out later.
But, for now, I want to jump to the end of the story. A lot has changed. Jesus is my Savior, my Lord, and my Dad. I know and trust Him. I look forward to talking to Him. And, I am learning to see the world the way He does. I understand that this world is not our home and am not as afraid of sin, and I don’t blame God because I am too scared to look at the brokenness that sin causes.
I will try to explain it in a story, because you know that is how I like to communicate best.
The last month hasn’t been without strong emotion. As you know, I am waiting on an answer – are the two masses in my body cancer or not?
When I first got the news about the masses, I cried. I was so shocked, and I didn’t even know how to process my feelings. So, I went on a walk. I knew that I needed to talk to Jesus alone.
Immediately, I was honest with Him. I told Him everything. I think what is different this time vs. in the story in the last letter is I never thought that there was a possibility that I could handle the emotions I was feeling. From moment one, I knew I needed to be alone with Jesus. I knew we needed to talk.
I also never blamed Him like I did in the last story. One thing that happens when you start to see the work of Jesus around you is that the fear of what will happen lessens. I know Jesus loves me. I know He desires the best for me. I know that the brokenness of this world was never present when He created the garden. And, I know it will not be present in Heaven.
Jesus could have handled it if I had gotten mad at Him. But, first, He isn’t the author of my potential sickness. And, second, now that I know who He is, I know that He is 100% trustworthy and loving. I don’t blame Him for problems in this world that were created by sin.
That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had a lot of emotions to process. Even after I came home from my walk, my emotions were strong. And, in the loving way our Dad does things, I had a car trip planned for the next day. (It sounds like a repeat of the last story). We were going to drive about 14 of the next 48 hours.
I let you guys spend too much time on technology during that trip. I needed time to pray; I needed to talk to my Dad.
Over the next 48 hours, my heart shifted from shock and uncertainty to confidence and a willingness to join Jesus in whatever story He was writing. You see, what I know today that I didn’t know in the last story is I know that God is Good. I know that He is working around me every single day. And, I know that He is my protector. So, no matter what road I need to walk, I can trust Him.
Over the past month, I have had a continued confidence that He is good and that I don’t need to fear. I have wished for answers, but when I do I just acknowledge the emotion and tell Jesus that I am willing to be in whatever story He is writing – even if that story is just to wait.
Today, we watched a show and one of the actors got breast cancer. Inside of me I felt strong emotions. I couldn’t even identify what emotion yet, but I felt stuff swirling in me.
I have learned to step away. So, I did. I talked to my Dad. My emotions, even before I understand them, can point me toward the open arms of Jesus. He can hold me. I can lean into His strength and His comfort.
I don’t think I am done learning about emotions. But, I do think that this bookend looks really different from the last one. And there is a clear reason why – it is because I know the person of Jesus Christ. I know the love of the Father. I know the comfort of the Holy Spirit.
Jesus is extending the same offer to you. He loves you with His everlasting love. He wants to be your comforter. Where is your relationship with Jesus? If you don’t know Him, like I didn’t at the last book end, it’s time to get to know Him. It’s time for your life to be changed forever. And, I know that you have both accepted Jesus, so it’s time to go deeper. It is time to study scripture and get to know the Father’s love in an even deeper way.
I love you both so much!
Mom