Abby and Eason,

Trauma is unavoidable. The experience of trauma is very different from person to person, but I don’t think that there is anyone who hasn’t experienced it or won’t experience it in their lifetime.

As I have talked to people, there is a tendency we have to want to measure trauma. We want to say that person A has had a much more traumatic life than person B.

While there is no doubt that some of us have experienced trauma more frequently than others, I don’t think it is possible for one person’s trauma to be worse than another. Here’s why – the root impact of trauma is us becoming aware that the world is broken, unsafe, evil.  People who are sick long for the thing that is broken in their bodies to be made well. People who have been victimized recognize that the world isn’t 100% safe. People who fall deeply into choices like drugs, alcohol, and other addictions learn that there is a presence of evil they wished they had not encountered. 

For most of my life, I wanted to fight the trauma. I wanted to pretend that it didn’t exist. I wanted to pretend I hadn’t been impacted by it. I wanted to pretend that the world was whole.

But, it isn’t. 

Sin entered this world through the choice of Adam and Eve. Since then, everyone, but Jesus, has sinned. Sin separated us from God and broke the fellowship that Adam and Even enjoyed in the garden. Sin also introduced hiding and the need for clothing. Adam and Eve hid when they heard God in the garden. They covered themselves in clothes because they became aware of their bodies and experienced shame for their sin. Leaving the garden introduced death and a harsh physical environment. This was all pain that God did not intend.

This world isn’t whole. The solution to trauma and sin can only be found in the hands of the Healer. Jesus came to earth and lived a life free from sin so that we could again become right, through Him, with God. 

And, it is only in Jesus that we will find the healing for the pain of whatever trauma we have gone through.

Maybe you’re thinking, “yeah, I know…” But learning to go to Jesus instead of depending on myself has been really hard for me. I tend to get busy trying to solve the problems myself. I tend to believe that if I do more then the trauma I am in the middle of will finally end. I tend to think that I am alone instead of going to Jesus and realizing I am never alone.

I did that a lot this summer. I thought if I can just get everyone breakfast, then maybe I can balance our new family member’s blood sugar and she won’t throw a tantrum today. I thought that if I could just work for a few hours before the tantrums began, then maybe I could keep the business floating, and it would all be okay when she was in school and I could focus again. 

I came up with a million ways of solving the problem of the “trauma” we were facing in our home.

But, in my problem solving, I forgot rest. You see, because of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection, I am now in communion again with the Father. I have the Holy Spirit in my life. I can find rest in a sinful world.

Finding rest isn’t about how strong I am. This summer my time with Jesus went from the most amazing part of my morning to a rushed hello prayer where I told Jesus I desperately needed Him to survive another day. When I did sit down with God’s Word, I was constantly interrupted. Instead of inviting our new family member to just hear what I was reading, I got frustrated that even three minutes alone would lead to screaming and yelling about something. 

I made excuses. But, trying harder, getting busy, and making excuses aren’t the solution to the problems of this world. Jesus is.

It wasn’t her fault that I wasn’t spending time with Jesus. It was my fault that I thought I “had to” do other things. I didn’t prioritize rest.

I encourage you guys to find rest. Don’t rush time with the Father. Ask Him about His heart. Ask Him what the garden was like. Ask Him how you can live your life today with your mind set on things above.

If you’re like me, you’ll have to learn that same lesson over and over. I wish I could tell you that this summer was the first time that I thought I was strong enough to solve the problems we were facing. I wish I could tell you that going to Jesus and LISTENING was my default. (I tend to go, but in times of trauma I demand instead of listen. Or I rush instead of rest). 

While I have had to learn this lesson over, and over, and over. I hope that I am catching myself sooner each time I begin to believe that I am strong. I hope that I am learning that my dependance on Jesus is what makes me strong. Because He is, not because I am.

I love you both so much!

Mom

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