Abby and Eason,
Today I am going to my friend’s daughter’s wedding. So, I am thinking about weddings. Yes, I know that it is super early to be writing you a letter about weddings, but it’s on my mind, so why not?
I am not going to pretend to know a ton about weddings. But, I do know what made my wedding special, and I want to share that with you guys. (It might take a couple of letters so that the letters aren’t so long!)
A wedding is a commitment ceremony between you and your spouse. It should be something you prepare for and think a lot about. Before my wedding, we went to pre-marital counseling through my church. I believe that it is so important that you do something where people ask you questions.
But, for the counseling to be effective, you both have to be willing to be honest. It can’t be a checkbox that you mark off on the path to your wedding day. You need time to honestly reflect and share thoughts with one another. It is better to find out that you have problems that you need to address before the wedding than after.
I’ll be honest, this is an area where I messed up. We did go to premarital counseling, but I did not understand how important it was to do this with someone you trusted who could help you foster trust in communication.
My fiance (at the time) lived in a different state. So, we chose the “one weekend” approach to premarital counseling. This was a mistake. I was comfortable because it was with people in my church. Even though they would ask us hard questions, I knew I was safe with my church family.
He didn’t have that privilege. He flew in on a Friday and flew out on a Sunday. He knew that I trusted the people who were going to lead us, but he also knew that “passing” premarital counseling was a requirement to one of the pastors in the church marrying us. So, it was a checkbox that needed to be accomplished and his plane ticket said he had 3 days.
Years later, he told me that he had lied a lot in premarital counseling. It was a combination of needing to get it done and not knowing if he could trust the people leading us with his concerns or fears. Yes, he should not have lied. But, if I had known what I know now, I would have done a better job making sure that I moved the counseling from a checkbox activity to an important event. I would have also worked to help him build a relationship with our counselors before asking him to share his heart with them.
Another thing I wished we had done differently was that we had taken it slow and planned for follow up conversations. I honestly don’t remember us following up on any of the topics at all. Maybe we did about a few topics for like 30 min on the way to the airport, but I am not sure we did even that.
Allow yourself time to process. Challenge yourselves together to be honest. You are making a lifetime decision. It is important that you learn to talk about topics where you don’t agree before choosing to get married!
I will write the next letter about the ceremony!
I love you guys and am already praying for your spouses,
Mom