Abby and Eason,
I would like to share with you what I have been reading about during this season of pain, but before I do, I want to tell you why I choose to read this. Here is the story.
Ms. Lena prayed for me early this week. I had reached out to her before our foster daughter left our home. She and I were able to connect about a week later. As she prayed, she felt like the Holy Spirit was leading her to pray about Elijah. He was faithful in following Jesus, but later he was tired, needed rest, and needed a reminder that he was not alone.
Days later, a few of the pastors from church prayed for me. One really encouraged me to be still and to soak in the Word.
I prayed and felt a unity in the two words. I opened my Bible and asked the Lord where He wanted to speak. When I turned to the chapters about Elijah, I felt that Jesus was leading me to understand what was happening in the time when Elijah became tired. So, I decided to start reading at the beginning of first Kings.
First Kings opens with David on his death bead and his oldest son self-declaring himself the next king.
David’s reign had been characterized by conflict. And, at the time of his death, he faced conflict over who would be the next king. David had promised that Solomon would be king. God had made David a promise that his family would remain on the throne as long as his children followed after God and obeyed His commandments.
David placed Solomon into office as the next king while he was still alive. Instead of being upset by the conflict, David was thankful for the opportunity to see Solomon become king.
Over the next couple of chapters, you see Solomon begin his reign as the king. In that time he made good decisions, but also often struggled with excess. Solomon desired to reign justly and follow the commandments of the Lord.
God offered to fulfill the request of Solomon. Solomon acknowledged his need for help. He knew that he needed God’s help and asked the Lord for wisdom. God heard his request and gave him what he desired.
Over the next group of chapters, Solomon built the temple. David had longed to build the temple, but it was God’s plan to have Solomon build it.
There is a lot more in these chapters, but as I read them two parts stood out to me.
- David is a man after God’s own heart, yet in his life he faced a lot of conflict. War from all sides, children creating scenes to get what they want, and more. As I processed that, I questioned why David had to face so much conflict.
- David also desired to see the temple built. He had a pure desire to do this for the Lord. So, why had the end of that story been reserved for Solomon? Why had David died before he saw the temple built?
These questions reflect my struggle. It is clear that God sent me to read the book of first Kings because the questions that I ask when I read about David and Solomon are the same questions that I ask in my own life.
I don’t understand the conflict I have faced in life, especially the past few years. I understand we live in a world of sin. I understand this is not our home and that we will have troubles. But, I often ask the Lord why conflict exists when I am desiring to follow Him. The greatest conflict of all was faced by our Savior.
I also love control. I love the stories of Jesus. I love to see them play out. And, sometimes I am moved out of a story before I see the end of it. This is hard for me. I struggle with not seeing the end. I desire to control when I should trust.
So, I sit in this struggle acknowledging that I face both of these struggles today. Why was the story of my foster daughter so hard? (relates to my question about conflict) I believed that if Jesus called me to take her into our home, the story would end with her adoption one day. It didn’t. In fact, the ending today looks tragic but I can’t write about it for confidentiality reasons. (relates to the questions about seeing the end of the story).
This is one of many things I am talking to Jesus about in this season. One thing has never changed, though. I know who He is, and I trust Him. I know He is good, and I know He loves us with an everlasting love.
So, while I ask questions, those things won’t change. I am not asking questions to “question God.” He is good. It’s non-negotiable. I am asking questions because there is still part of me that isn’t surrendered to Him. There is part of me that still wants to avoid conflict. Part of me wants to be in control. So, the questions are how do I learn to trust you more, Jesus? Why do I believe that life should be without conflict? Why do I seek control? Why do I say that I trust you but still question you when I don’t know the end of the story?
The big question – the only one that really matters – how do I become more like you, Jesus?
Abby and Eason, I hope sharing my struggle will help you guys one day when you face challenges of your own. We serve an amazing God. And, while I don’t have all of the answers, I know that He is trustworthy and good.
I love you guys lots,
Mom