Abby and Eason,
This letter is a continuation of the other letter I wrote to you about pain. It’s been a few days more and I want to share what has been happening in my heart.
First, I have given myself space to grieve and heal. That alone has been costly. I have lost a lot of work hours. But, I believe that if I do not give myself the space to grieve and heal, I will miss the work that Jesus is doing inside of me during this season.
I don’t know if there is a right way to grieve. I do know what it feels like.
- I have been exhausted.
- I cry at the smallest things.
- My chest tightens when I start to talk about what is going on in my life. It feels like I could go into a panic attack if I don’t stop and breathe.
To deal with the reality of how I am feeling, I have had to be honest with myself and honest with others. I have had to tell friends who love me that I can’t talk right now. Talking too much gets me more emotional and it’s unproductive. I don’t process emotions when I am overly emotional. I just get worked up to unhealthy levels. I have allowed friends who are willing to pray for me; I can accept prayer. The Holy Spirit is able to tell them how to pray, even when I can’t. I need prayer.
And when I can, I have forced myself to go on walks with friends. I have told them that I can only walk for 10 minutes or whatever amount of time feels safe to me. I am setting these boundaries so that I don’t push myself beyond what I can handle.
I have also continued life. Things are happening in this season. Eason, you did an amazing job in your play this week. Watching you act is fun. Abby, you always have funny stories to tell about school. Listening is entertaining. There are other things. Even though life feels a little harder right now, I don’t want to miss it. That means that there are times I need to just live in the moments occurring around me and forget the rest.
When I am alone though, I am honest with God. I cry a lot. I talk to Him a little. (I am struggling with that right now. I talk a little but mostly I need to just rest in His arms and listen). And, I read His Word for hours.
If I am honest, I still don’t know why this hurts so bad. My logical brain goes two directions. First, I thought this child was my daughter. Within hours, I went from thinking I would be her mom to a reality that she would never come back to my home. Then, second, my logical brain says that I have had 28 kids. Why does this one leaving hurt so much?
When I try to process the pain with Jesus, I have to just admit that I don’t understand. And, I can’t even process what it is that I don’t understand. I know that I don’t understand why this story ended this way, but I think there is a lot more. What do I not yet know about God? He is good. He loves us with an everlasting love. What is he doing in this story? What do I need to surrender in my life to trust Him completely?
I don’t have an answer. But I have a conviction. I am convinced that He is good. I am convinced that He loves us with a love we will never understand. I am convinced that He hates sin. And, I am convinced that He wants to reveal Himself to us. He wants to live in communion with us. (I am convinced of a lot more too).
So here is what I know. He has given us His word. He has spoken. And I want to hear His voice. So, that is where I am spending my time right now. Reading, listening, less talking, and waiting.
I will write what I have been reading in the next letter. This one is too long.
I love you both,
Mom