Abby and Eason,
Lots of things hurt in this season. Sometimes it feels like more hurts than doesn’t, but logically that isn’t true.
I decided to write this letter because I don’t think you guys will read it, yet. I know one day you will, but right now I think you guys are busy.
And, for this letter, that works. Because you’re kids, and right now, you don’t need to know how I am feeling. It would be putting too much pressure on you.
Yet, I want to be authentic and transparent and write it now because one day you will have something happen that makes you feel similarly. So, here it goes.
Over the past week, I have hurt a lot. It hurts so bad that I honestly don’t know what hurts the most. I don’t know if it is the changes with our foster daughter leaving, if it is the things that happened leading to that change, or if it is the questions I am asking myself.
“The questions I am asking myself” – that is where I want to focus for now.
Sometimes things around us change. Sometimes they change dramatically, like what has happened in our family in the past week. And, when things change, we seek control; at least, I do. I seek to stabilize the change and make it not so uncomfortable, not so painful.
I find myself questioning “why” things happened. I try to make sense of it. In making sense, I ask questions like these:
- I thought I had followed Jesus’ direction. Did I make up that I heard His voice?
- Why would this happen if I did what Jesus said?
- Why would Jesus take me into this only for it to end in pain?
- Did I do this because of x, y, or z in my past? Am I still living independent of Jesus and following my own path?
My questions have an undertone that I never say but that I must be feeling because the questions reflect it. Do I trust Jesus? I don’t want that to be the question I am asking. I want my heart to be where my head is. In my head the answer is always, “Yes, 100%.” But, my heart and the questions inside of me say the answer might be more like, “Yes, I think so, but couldn’t he just tell me the plan? Couldn’t everything I do for Jesus end in my definition of good?”
It’s easy to say that I will never be shaken. But, I am, easier than I would like to believe. It isn’t my faith that is shaken. In the depths of my heart, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is good. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is trustworthy. I know who He is, and I know that He never changes.
It’s my emotions, my humanity that shakes in hard times.
My emotions feel too big to manage. My pain feels too great to process. I falsely believe that if I had control, if the emotions would go away, I would be okay. I don’t default to Jesus’ surrender to God’s will in the garden. He said, “Not my will but thine be done.” I get there eventually, but it isn’t my default.
I am trying to be more like Jesus in this situation. I don’t know that I am doing well, but I want to be like Jesus.
Jesus set an example for us in the garden. He went to pray. He was facing something that was more than He could handle. But, unlike me, He remained completely surrendered to God’s plan. He told His Father of his pain, His desire, and His willingness to do what was needed. His body responded to the intensity of the burden He carried. And, He stayed on path and chose death for our salvation.
I am not like Jesus. I want to be.
And, that is what I am trying to do in my pain. When I was younger, I tried to fight through pain by ignoring it or by fixing it. Today, I know that I have to acknowledge it. I have to be authentic in my pain. I can’t hide from it.
Jesus’ disciples went with Him to the Garden to pray.
I have found that I need my friends too. Sometimes, all I can do is cry while my friends pray. Sometimes they have to guide me and remind me that Jesus is in charge, and I need to quit putting my agenda first and let Him be sovereign over the situation. Sometimes, my friends encourage me to go be alone with Jesus.
I guess what I am saying is emotions are real, but they aren’t our guide. Jesus is. And when our emotions are bigger than we can handle, we need to trust our friends that love Jesus. But, more than anything, we need to remember that He has spoken. We need time alone, in Scripture, listening to our Father.
I love you both very much. I wish you would never go through a hard time, but you will. And, I hope when you do, you will seek comfort in the arms of Jesus.
Mom