Abby and Eason,
My negotiations with Jesus probably aren’t the thing that I would want to be remembered for. Have you ever thought about what you don’t want to be remembered for? I know. It’s kind of a weird thought, but for some reason it popped in my brain today.
I love to talk to Jesus, and for quite a large part of my life, I loved to negotiate with Him. Most of our negotiations were about one topic – you guys. Maybe I should write that sentence again… Most of MY negotiations were about one topic – you guys. Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. But, He showed a lot of patience while I negotiated with Him.
I negotiated about you guys because I was worried about you. Without openly stating it, I felt like I was the best person to take care of you and to keep you safe. I didn’t want to relinquish control of that responsibility; and, if I am honest, I didn’t trust Jesus to take care of you.
Eventually, I learned to trust Jesus to take care of you, but that is another story for another letter. In this letter, I want to tell you what I learned from my struggle to surrender and trust Jesus.
I learned that my struggle was founded in pride, and I learned that I didn’t believe God was as good as my mouth professed He was. What I wanted to believe in my heart and what my actions said I actually believed were two different things.
It took me a while to realize that my ability to “take care of you” was pride. In the United States, we value accomplishments, self sufficiency, and hard work. I have always been 100% committed to you guys, and I viewed that through the American viewpoint of accomplishment. You were well cared for. You were loved. I was a good mom.
My pride stood in the way of receiving the love and guidance that Jesus wanted to offer me. My pride made me work harder to be a “good mom” when Jesus wanted me to rest in Him because he cared for me. My pride pushed me to provide when Jesus clothes the lilies of the field. My unconfessed pride left me parenting alone when Jesus desired to carry me and lead our family.
But, it wasn’t just pride. I struggled to understand the goodness of God. I read stories like the book of Job and I questioned why Job lost his children. If I trusted Jesus to take care of you, would something happen to you? I wanted to believe that God was good, but I wasn’t sure that I could fully trust Him.
Like I said, how I came to a point that I confessed my pride and learned that God is good is for another letter. For now, I will just keep it simple. “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us of our sins…”
Here is what I want you to know. First, God is good and 100% deserving of our trust and adoration. Second, I trust Him to take care of you, and I constantly ask Him how to be a good mom to you. Third, I want you to hear loud and clear that in a broken world, we have a lot of our priorities wrong. We believe in self sufficiency and accomplishments. We believe that being strong is an accomplishment. It’s not. Our strength is found in the Creator. He is our life and our salvation. He is our guide and our ever present help in time of need.
Read the Word. Don’t just accept the values society teaches you. Ask Jesus how you can depend on Him more and more each day. Talk to Him. Let Him show you areas of your life where sin still reigns. Confession of our sins opens our hearts to let us see more of Jesus, to learn more about how good He really is.
I love you both beyond your comprehension (but not more than Jesus loves you!),
Mom