Abby and Eason –
As I have said in each of these letters, I am not an expert in this area, but I am willing to share my experiences with you. This letter is no exception.
So, I will start with the very best advice I can give you. This advice was given to me by a singles pastor (at the time) named Karl Clausen. Karl said, simply put, that each of us has holes in our heart. We look to a lot of things, including our spouses, to fill the hole. But, only Jesus can fill the hole. If we are looking for a spouse to fill these holes, we are looking in the wrong place. (He explained it way better than I just did).
So, let me explain. The Bible says that God is love (1 John 4:16), and that we are to love the Lord our God with all of our hearts, our minds, and our soul (Matt. 22: 37).
We know love because of Jesus. As we learn to live in communion with Him, we are able to love others (including your spouse) with His love.
When you omit the author of love from the conversation, the only thing you have to offer your spouse is human, imperfect love. You will let your spouse down. They will let you down. You don’t have the ability to fill your spouse’s need for love (hole in their heart), and they don’t have the ability to fill your need for love (hole in their heart). So, the best love you can offer them is your imperfect love. You can try as hard as you can and love as deeply as you know how.
But you both have to learn to seek Jesus and allow Him to lead your marriage. He is capable of that. And, when you have problems, you can learn together to seek Jesus for help in your marriage. When you celebrate, you can learn together to worship Jesus. When you cry, you can mourn together with Jesus. You can learn to allow Jesus to direct your lives and your marriage. He can, and He will.
That’s the best advice. Seek Jesus. Allow Him to be the center of your marriage.
I don’t know if my spouse was a Christian. He told me he didn’t know himself. I know that I was not a Christian. I was super involved in seeking God and was learning what it meant to love God. I was scared of Jesus. I knew that I wanted God to be my Savior but I honestly didn’t know what that meant or how to do it.
We were both also hurt. We both had histories of abuse and had not dealt with those issues. We wanted each other to mend the pain we had experienced in our pasts.
And, we were both running. He was running toward the expectation of his parents to get married. I was running away from my family. People around me were getting married, and it seemed like the next thing to do. So, we did.
What I am saying is neither of us sought Jesus for our marriage. I don’t recall even asking Him if I was supposed to be married. And, as you know, the marriage didn’t last. Jesus was not at the center of our marriage.
Learning to commune with Jesus is critical to the success of your marriage. No spouse can ever offer you the peace, love, acceptance, etc. that Jesus can offer you. They will love you the best they know how, but only Jesus’ love is complete.
I love you both and am eager to watch you grow and one day see you get married one day.
Mom