Abby and Eason,
I remember as a child that emotions scared me – a lot. In fact, I decided I would never cry. It would mean I was tough and that no one could ever hurt me.
And, I didn’t. I went almost 10 years without ever crying. I felt the emotions but there was no way I would ever let them out. It felt too vulnerable, and I wasn’t willing to be vulnerable. I wasn’t willing to let the people who were hurting me see that they could have any impact on me.
All of the emotions were still inside of me. Being tough only meant that I created a wall between me and the rest of the world. Not sharing my pain only led to more secrets and more pain. Believing I could handle it led to an independence that I still have to surrender to Jesus daily.
And, I guess that is why I think I want to write a few letters that talk about emotions, and maybe even a few that talk about emotions and prayer.
I know I have already written you a letter talking about how emotions are a gift from Jesus and give us a reminder that we need to talk to Him. I think that before I get too deeply into talking about emotions in general, I want to tell you a story.
You guys have heard me talk about Susanna (name changed because I am putting this letter online). She was my foster daughter who was one year older than Eason. I loved her with my whole heart and had the privilege of being her mom for her first 2.5 years of life.
Throughout that time, I was told over and over that I would have the opportunity to adopt her. Late in her case with CPS, after another child was born, they decided that they would only place her up for adoption after they had found a home for all of her siblings.
In the middle of court that day, the worker came to me and said if you take all of the kids the judge will terminate mom’s rights today. I was single and wasn’t sure that I could parent 4 children with severe trauma. I was too scared to say yes without thinking through it first.
Just a few months later, the judge sent them all home. I knew logically that I should be happy for Susanna to go back to her mom – after all, that is the purpose of foster care. But I wasn’t, and my strong emotions weren’t just because I wanted to adopt her. I didn’t trust her mom. I had watched things happen over and over at visits that told me the situation wasn’t safe.
For confidentiality reasons, I am going to leave out all of the details here. I will just say my emotions and lack of trust were very justified, and I presented strong evidence that my concerns were not just emotions. But, she went home anyway.
I didn’t know Jesus at that time. I knew a lot about religion and was involved in church.
And, I faced a crisis of belief. Why would God send her home? I wanted to blame Him for everything that was happening.
I remember, one night before she left, standing in my backyard yelling at Him. He is God, so He knows what I am thinking, right? Well, He might as well hear it. If he wants to be my Father, He should hear my thoughts.
I was seriously angry at Him. I blamed Him for everything.
Soon after, she left. I remember not saying anything for hours. I went to visit a friend about 6 hours away. She looked at me and said, “You’re not doing okay.” I didn’t really even want to talk to her despite the fact that I loved her dearly. “So,” she said, “I picked out a song for you.” She played the song “Praise You In This Storm” by Casting Crowns.
One line really stood out to me – “For You are who You are no matter where I am.” My drive home from her house was about 6 hours. I put the song on replay the whole way. I knew I had to decide what I believed.
And it was super black and white to me. Either God is who He says He is or He is not. There was nothing in the middle. Either it was true or it was time to quit trying to figure out who He was and if He loved me. Nothing in the middle.
In that ride, with the song playing over and over, I told God everything. I told Him how angry at Him I was. I told Him how much I didn’t trust Susana’s mom. I told Him I couldn’t understand how He could send a child into the environment I believed she would be in. I let Him hear all of my anger. I pointed all of my anger at Him. (I see the situation much differently now, but back then I blamed Him for it all).
So, what did I believe? I believed He was who He said He was. And, I began to sing it over and over with the song.
I am not advocating for the way that I released my emotions to God. I am not advocating for blaming God when things don’t go the way we want them to go. (I didn’t know Him back then, and I hope I would handle things differently now).
But I am advocating for being honest with your emotions. The Bible is full of emotions. One thing I had right back then is He already knew the emotions I was feeling. And, He wanted me to come to Him. He is my Dad. He can be there for me in hard times.
I hope this story helps you. For me, it was a time of decision. I didn’t surrender my life to Jesus at that time. But, intelligently, I did declare that I believed He existed and that He was who He said He was. It was a while after that before I finally surrendered my heart to Jesus.
I love you both!
Mom