Abby and Eason,
When I tell this story, it is easy to say that my marriage ending was my husband’s fault. I even said that for a long time. But, for you to really learn about marriage, you have to hear me say that is not true. We are both equally responsible for our marriage ending. (My next letter will be about forgiveness and how I learned that I also needed to be forgiven for my actions in the marriage).
Our marriage ended quickly. The last day we lived together was the day I learned he had taken a job transfer to another city and did not plan to take me. His request was that he be allowed to date others for at least six months before deciding if he wanted to come get me and move me to a new city. This occurred after I had already watched him move his girlfriend to our city and solicit others from a dating website. I already wasn’t the woman he wanted, but the truth that he would leave me and move to another city seemed to introduce pain in a way that I had never imagined.
He wasn’t happy in the marriage and was looking for things that would “fill the hole” in his heart. He wasn’t looking to Jesus to fill his needs, and I wasn’t either.
I remember the day he left. I didn’t stay to see the movers. I came back to a mostly empty house and most of our subscriptions/bills turned off. I remember the reality of that day like it was yesterday. Seeing the home, reestablishing basic utilities, and dealing with the emptiness I felt was overwhelming.
I had cried and begged him not to leave. I honestly thought he wouldn’t go through with it. But he had processed leaving step by step as he moved toward that day. He had applied for jobs, interviewed, got an apartment, planned moving companies, signed relocation paperwork, and hidden it all – until the day a letter arrived addressed to both of us. The letter that told me my husband would be leaving in the next few days. Then we had the confrontation that he was ready for. He knew his plan and his request for me. I was speechless.
This wasn’t the first time we had had communication problems. As I told you in the last letter, we had communication issues from the very beginning, and they weren’t just his fault. I had made plenty of mistakes in the communication area also.
And, here is the purpose of this letter. Our problems snowballed. They got so big that it was easier to end it than to figure it out. That is not something I am proud of. Our marriage deserved much more than that. Our commitment to Jesus deserved more than that.
At surface level, the problems that ended our marriage looked different than the ones we started with. It looked like adultery, leaving a spouse, abandonment. But, the problem that got us to that place wasn’t any of those. It was all of the ones I wrote in the last letter. We needed to seek Jesus. We needed to learn to communicate. We needed to live in community with other believers. We didn’t do any of those things.
The fact that our marriage ended was both of our faults. I wrote about the very end in this letter, but know that I was at fault too. I didn’t commit adultery or anything “big” but I promise I was not easy to be married to either. I didn’t love my husband the way the Bible tells us to love our husbands. I didn’t seek Jesus. I didn’t communicate well. I didn’t have friends challenging me to love him well through the hard times.
It’s never one person’s fault when a marriage ends (or at least never that I know about).
But, marriage is a commitment before Jesus. It is worth fighting for. It is worth learning together though. It is worth every hard and happy moment.
So, seek Jesus! Marriage is an area that I am sure I will see you guys do much better than I did! But, God offers forgiveness, and He and I have talked a lot about my marriage.
I love you both!
Mom