Abby and Eason,
In this letter I want to go deeper into the idea of casting our emotions on God. In the last letter we talked about why that was important. But, what I want you to hear in this letter is that it isn’t always pretty.
In the last letter, I gave you a scripture reference for Hannah (1 Samuel 1:9-28). She prayed from a place of deep anguish and grief (1 Samuel 1:16). While she was praying, her lips moved but no words were heard. Eli the priest thought she was drunk.
Pouring our hearts out before Jesus often looks like Hannah. We enter into a conversation with Jesus. Nothing around us matters because we are meeting with the Father.
I struggled for many years because I didn’t trust Jesus enough to be that honest with Him. I also didn’t trust myself enough to pour out my emotions honestly and transparently.
I remember one day I was praying about a school situation for one of you guys. The situation didn’t make sense, and I was so confused and angry about what was happening. I was trying to be “tough” and make it all be okay. I prayed and wanted Jesus to fix the situation.
As I prayed, my desire to “make it okay” became stronger and stronger. The words of my prayer said I wanted Jesus to help me. But the state of my heart said I thought I could do it on my own. I knew I had to give it to Jesus, and I wanted to but I just couldn’t get myself to release the strong emotions I was feeling.
As I struggled, I felt like I was supposed to spin in a circle. It seemed really, really weird. After the first circle I felt relief, so I decided that I would just talk to Jesus while spinning in circles. I spun faster and faster. After only a few moments, I fell on the ground dizzy and burst into uncontrollable sobbing. I told Jesus how much I needed His help – how much the situation hurt, how I was trying to be strong, and how I was depending on myself. I confessed how much I needed Him and asked Him to please help me.
I laid on the ground crying from a place of deep, deep pain for what seemed like hours.
I am sure that if anyone else had been home during that moment, they might have thought I was crazy. But, I wasn’t. I had to find a way to get to the end of myself and talk to Jesus. That day, it meant spinning off my tough exterior and collapsing into my Dad’s arms. It sounds and probably looked really weird. But it was exactly what I needed to do.
I needed to fall into my Dad’s arms. I needed to cry as He held me. I needed to realize I couldn’t stand on my own. I needed to acknowledge that the world around me was spinning and I couldn’t even see it clearly enough to know what to do. I needed Jesus.
And, He is faithful.
This life isn’t about us holding things together. Give everything to Jesus. Fall apart into His arms. Let Him hold you. You’re safe in His arms.
I love you lots and lots,
Mom