Abby and Eason,
Let’s start at the beginning of the summer.
SHOCK. I guess that would be the emotion.
Our family has fostered many kids, and one of the things that I believe has made that possible is that we always know our WHY (why we do it). Our why, however, has changed over the years. And, in the past 2 years we have focused on only one reason – to tell kids about Jesus. We haven’t had the 2nd and 3rd place reasons that had often clouded our intentions in the past. In this season, we had one reason – Jesus could play out the details as He saw fit.
Many children in foster have endured intense trauma that leads to them not trusting adults. So, when adults tell them about Jesus, they often aren’t in a place to receive what they are hearing. They need to know that the things adults say and live are the same.
Foster homes are a great place for a child to see consistency lived out. If an adult says Jesus is important, the child gets to decide if that is real or not based on the way that adult lives day to day. And that is why foster homes are great places to share the message of Jesus.
So, when the adoption conversation started, shock was the first emotion. I have always said we were open to adopting kids that needed homes, but it simply wasn’t on my radar at that moment. And, transparently, I wasn’t sure I wanted to think about it again.
We met a child when she came to us for a very short term placement while her foster mom took a break. She left on a Friday and by Tuesday it looked like we were adopting.
It took my heart and mind a little bit to comprehend what had happened.
I needed to talk to Jesus and know for 100% sure that this was His plan. It wasn’t mine.
As I began to learn information about the child over the next few weeks, I talked to Jesus about each detail. Was this really something He was doing? I didn’t want to step out on my own on this.
Jesus opened doors and showed me that He was moving, and I had the opportunity to join Him. So, we did.
I think that is where we want to believe stories end. We followed Jesus. Happy ending. No problems.
Wrong.
Our new family member moved in and it was anything but a happy ending, no problems, let’s celebrate. She had endured a lot of trauma and from her viewpoint we were just the next family that would give up on her.
So she sought to make sure we did it quickly.
She showed us the worse behaviors she could possibly execute to get us to give up. She yelled. She hurt us. She damaged property. She tried running away. She declared she was leaving. She tried everything she knew to do to get moved to a new home. It felt like a never ending circus of nightmares.
Everything in me hurts. It hurts for this child. It hurts for you two having to live in this situation. I hurt myself. Daily life simply wasn’t fun.
So, we went back to our why. Daily, I asked Jesus to please love her through me. I wasn’t capable of it. I was angry, tired, and had no skills to know how to help. But, He is a healer. He offers perfect love.
Mid summer she decided she was leaving. Children in care are allowed to say that an adoption isn’t working out and can ask to leave. One night she got angry… and she did. She packed her stuff and decided she was leaving.
This tantrum had been going on for over 7 hours when she made this decision. So, I knew she wasn’t even thinking. Both of our exhaustion levels were so high that no one could make a decision. I cried. I was angry that she had hurt us so much then was just going to leave. But, I have always said I won’t force kids to be at our home.
I left her room as she “packed” and went to mine to cry. I cried for you guys. Why had you gone through such a terrible situation for it to just end in her leaving? Why had we tried so hard only to see our love rejected? I then angrily cried. What had I done wrong? Had I made this all up? Jesus, did I make up that I heard your voice? Then I felt the peace only Jesus can bring come over me. He reminded me that He knew this child before she was formed in her mother’s womb. What was happening wasn’t about me. It was His story to write.
And… I was a foster parent. WHAT? The moment I talked to Jesus, He reminded me I was a foster parent. Suddenly, I knew what had to happen. This child didn’t really want to leave. She wanted to not be rejected so she was rejecting first to prevent the pain of being rejected. She knew she was hurting us but it was the only way she knew to protect herself.
So, I went back to her room and told her that I wasn’t going to give up on her. I understood she didn’t want to be adopted, and I was willing to just be her foster mom. She could stay, she didn’t have to choose us, but we would choose her.
She lunged at me. Kicking, screaming, biting, and demanding she was leaving. I told her I was happy to call CPS and let her tell them her opinion but it seemed to me that she needed a foster home and one had just chosen her.
Then she melted in my arms. All of the hitting and yelling ended. “Why won’t you give up on me?” The next morning her “why” changed to “Thank you for not giving up on me.”
And, Eason and Abby, I guess that is what we get to learn. This definitely wasn’t the way we expected the “adoption story” to go, but it is the way our adoption stories often go with Jesus. We think we know what is right. We think we have a plan. We fight with everything inside of us to force our plan to happen. We look to ourselves for strength and fight the One who loves us with an everlasting love. Jesus has chosen us. We can’t act bad enough to get Him to give up on us, and we can’t have great plans that lead us to Heaven. It is just Him. Jesus chose us. Jesus loves us. Jesus accepts us where we are. Jesus died for that to happen.
I love you guys too and am grateful you have a Father that love you so extravagantly.
Mom